


You're So Smug

by scy_ence



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop & Tattoo Parlor, F/F, i appreciate all the suggestions but, i've already figured how i want to introduce michael and janet, no ones dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-03-06 15:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13413939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scy_ence/pseuds/scy_ence
Summary: This is the obligatory flower shop and tattoo parlor au every fandom needs - Inspired by chelahani.tumblr's postEleanor has never been one to play the long game, considering herself more of an instant gratification seeker. It was one of the reasons she was covered in tattoos. But the unreasonably hot owner of the new flower shop that just opened across the street might change that.





	1. Day 1

“Do people even buy flowers anymore?”

 

Unlocking the door to her shop, Eleanor couldn't miss the giant moving truck across the street. And from what she could gather, someone was opening a flower shop. _In 2017._

“I dunno. The Buffalo Cheezers has a bouquet made of all their flavor chicken fingers, and I always got that for my exes when they were mad so we could bang it out again.”

“They sound like classy ladies.” Eleanor mumbled. She walked in with Jason trailing behind her, flicking on the lights.

Sometimes, when he spoke at length, (which was more often than not, as he always seemed to have a wonderful anecdote) Eleanor really wondered why she decided to take him on as an apprentice. Then she would remember that his jacked up brain produced the most outrageous drawings. Not better than her, but still.

“But I'm saying, it's so stupid to buy someone flowers. Like, it just feeds into this really old-timey idea of love. No one likes each other like that anymore. Just send a text ‘do you want to bang or no’ and boom. Put one of them monkey emojis. Saves you half the time and money.” She sat at her station, while Jason went to his makeshift desk near the front of the shop, right by the giant windows.

He laughed that goofy laugh of his. “Yeah, send nudes!”

Eleanor shook her head. “Dude, that never works.”

“Okay, but consider this one time-”

Subconsciously, she probably was looking for a reason to stop the second Jason story in a five minute time span, but consciously, Eleanor just happened to notice the trash can in that very moment. “Ew, dude! Vicky forgot to take out the forking trash again last night!” (Sometimes _annoying_ parents came in with their children, and she was so used to censoring herself that sometimes she forgot not to.) “I swear to God, if it wasn't just you and me here, and Matt, I would've fired her a million years ago!”

“If you let me tattoo, I could replace her!”

“Yeah, no. It's banana peel clients only for you right now.”

“Aw, come on!” Jason whined to himself, but Eleanor was no longer listening.

She grabbed the trash bags, _since it looked like she had to do everything herself_ , and huff and puffed her way to the alley outside where the dumpster resided.

As she was turning around the corner to go back into her shop, more movement from across the street caught her eye. It looked like whoever was moving in had to begun to pile out and buzz around.

Mostly it was professional movers. And then a guy whose anxiety Eleanor could see all the way across the road.

All in all, very boring.

She was about to head back inside, when at that very moment, out of the soon-to-be flower store stepped an absolute vision.

Eleanor couldn't recall ever thinking that phrase to herself before. But that was the only way she could describe the woman in front of her. She was like, celebrity hot. Way too hot to be wandering the dirty streets of Seattle. She was all legs and golden skin and cascading hair. Eleanor even liked the all floral dress and flower crown she would find completely unbearable on anyone else.

She was sure her mouth was hanging open, with drool and everything. She had to climb that like a tree.

She must've been staring for either too long or too obviously because the woman made eye contact with her. But that was fine, Eleanor had charmed people out of their pants plenty of times, she would just say something.

“Hey, neighbor!”

Oh, God, this was already going so horribly so fast.

The woman smiled, managing to somehow become even more beautiful. “Hello!” She answered, and her voice was very British. Not what Eleanor was expecting, if she had been expecting anything at all. It was super posh.

“Welcome to the neighborhood!” Why was Eleanor suddenly a middle-aged, suburban housewife, she couldn’t tell you. “I see you're doing flowers! Flowers are cool! This is my tattoo shop! You can stop by any time and I'll give you a free tattoo!”

The woman nodded, a small laugh showing on her face.

Eleanor nodded back, and rushed into her shop.

“What the fork?” She demanded to no one in particular as soon as the door was closed, her back up against it for extra measure.

“Why were you out there so long? The phone keeps ringing!” Jason spun around in his chair, stopping to face Eleanor.

She temporarily forgot the foreign sense of embarrassment that was permeating through her body, as the more familiar annoyance took its place. “Jason! I pay you to answer that! You’re not just an apprentice, you’re my assistant too, you dingus!”

“Oh yeah.”

God, sometimes Eleanor seriously wondered if he had anything inside his head. “Call them back! They were probably people trying to make appointments!”

“Oh, yeah!” He scrambled over to the phone and began to struggle with its call log.

Eleanor sat at her station, looking at her schedule for the day. Her first client was a guy whose leg sleeve she was finishing up. This would be the last session, which was great, because she really got sick of seeing the same person over and over again. It happened more often than not though, considering she was really good at her job, and therefore had many regulars who only trusted her with their ink. It was awesome because money, but horrible because they expected her to actually remember stuff and talk to them. _Oh, how did your mother’s surgery go? Well? That’s so great!_

She really didn’t care.

Now what Eleanor did care about, was how she was going to scheme her way into seeing that girl again. Once her irritation with Jason calmed down, the girl with flowers in her hair was right back at the forefront of her mind.

She couldn’t just walk in there. For one, they weren’t even open yet. Two, with her ripped black skinny jeans and Stone Cold Steve Austin tank-top that showed off the sleeves going down her arms, she didn’t really look like someone who would be buying flowers. Not that she ever would anyway. Like she said earlier, that’s dumb.

The bright idea of asking if they needed any help moving things in was quickly shot down when Eleanor remembered that they already had professional movers.

This sucked. She wouldn’t be able to seduce that lady from all the way across the street. Her moves were powerful, but not that powerful.

There had to be something. Some sort of in she couldn’t think of.

“Eleanor! There are people here!” Jason called, interrupting Eleanor’s deep contemplation. She hadn’t even heard the front door open.

One of her favorite things about both working in and owning a tattoo shop was that she wasn’t expected to be bright and cheery, like most places of work. She could be as casual, and kind of impassive, as she wanted.

“Sup.” She said, addressing the two younger girls that had come in. They both looked to be freshly 18, at the oldest.

Great. That meant she would have to deal with the whole “first tattoo” bullcrap.

“Hey! We were wondering if you guys were doing any walk-ins today?” The girl in the front asked.

Eleanor glanced at her schedule. Her first appointment wasn’t for another two hours. “It looks like today’s your lucky day. First tattoos?”

“Yeah! Oh my god, how did you know?” The other one spoke.

“Oh my god! I just figured!” Eleanor repeated in a just as excited tone, obviously mocking them, but not obvious enough that they wouldn’t give her their money. “What are you guys trying to get?”

“Matching dreamcatchers!”

A huge smile plastered itself on Eleanor’s face, hiding the laughter she was trying very hard to smother. “Oh my god! That’ll be so...” A barely noticeable snicker escaped. “Awesome!”


	2. Days 5 & 6

~~Day 5~~

 

“I own the forking building, why am I always the one throwing out the trash?” Eleanor muttered to herself as she dragged bags of garbage into the alley. Thinking about it, she had never really told anyone it was their responsibility, but it should’ve been implied! She was just going to have to skip straight to threats.

Eleanor was so busy stewing in her anger and contemplation of the way that she would deliver said threats (Would it be scarier to get in real close and whisper to them individually? Or should she go to Kinkos and print out a giant banner?), that she didn’t see the guy from yesterday about to walk right into her.

He was having his own internal meltdown about the way this particular district separated their recycling, and whether they were supposed to use this dumpster or the one further down the street.

When they collided, Eleanor seriously considered pushing the guy into the trash. He looked like someone that that happened to a lot in high school anyway. “Hey, man! Watch where you’re going!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” He looked startled that there was a person in front of him. But then, weirdly enough, relief passed onto his face. “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know the trash schedule around here? I’m trying to coordinate the days, between that and recycling. Also, do you separate glass and paper? And then are ceramic and glass separated? Do the containers have easy to interpret labels?”

Eleanor was now more confused than angry. “I’ve never heard of a trash schedule. I just put stuff in the alley and somebody picks it up.”

His face contorted like that was the last answer he wanted to hear. “Oh my God.” He whispered to himself. “This is a land of chaos.” His expression was even more tortured than before, and he began to walk away.

“...Okay.” Eleanor was about to leave the scene herself when she noticed something on the ground, something that didn’t completely look like trash. She picked it up.

It was business card.

_Chidi Anagonye. Ethics & Philosophy Tutor. _

As soon as Eleanor read the words, the dial in her scheming mind went from ‘zero idea’ to ‘SHE TOTALLY GETS IT,’ and she was yelling before she could stop herself. “Hey!”

The guy who was probably Chidi turned around cautiously. Likely because of Eleanor’s unnecessarily aggressive shouting when he was no more than a couple feet away. “Yes?”

“You work at that flower shop that just opened, right?”

He didn’t look any less wary than before. If anything, this was worse, because now it seemed like the small, angry, blonde woman was stalking him. “Yes?”

She smiled, and it was almost fiendish- Chidi was sure he was legitimately sweating now. Why did they have to be in an alleyway? Why didn’t he take more care to check his surroundings?

“Well, Chidi Ariana Grande, I need a tutor!”

Chidi visibly relaxed, letting out a held breath. She wasn’t planning anything malicious, though she still looked devious. Enough that he became skeptical once more. “Wait, don’t you own this tattoo parlor?”

“Yep.” Eleanor didn’t understand the importance of that fact.

“...And you need a tutor? In Ethics?”

She nodded, still looking incredibly pleased with herself. “Yep. That.”

Chidi initiated a staredown, suspicious of Eleanor. But she was now wearing a genuine expression, looking purposely ignorant to distract from the wily smile that was on her face only a moment ago.

He conceded. “Well, for sessions, I can come to your house after-”

“No!” Eleanor cleared her throat, regaining her composure from once again yelling at a guy who was **not** far away. “I mean, no, like I’m at the shop all day. I don’t get out of there til midnight some nights.” She was doing her best impression of a casual person. “But I don’t open til noon, so I can just like, come over to your flower place before then for my lessons.”

He appeared to be considering it. “We open at 8 so it could work out…” He was back to mumbling to himself. “And I’m sure Tahani would be fine with it. It _is_ my duty, after all, since ethics is meant to be shared.” He finally turned his attention to Eleanor. “Alright, that should be fine.”

She grabbed his hand even though he never offered it for a handshake. “Sick! So tomorrow?”

 

Eleanor had a feeling she was going to have to get used to Chidi’s ‘I could throw up at any moment’ face.

 

* * *

~~Day 6~~

 

It was rough getting up before ten o'clock.

Eleanor couldn't remember the last time she had been up this early. And it wasn't even that early.

She remembered Chidi saying they opened at eight, but it was closer to nine when she came stumbling in, and it just was what it was. This was already more work than she had ever put into picking someone up.

The ding the door made as she entered was almost too much for her tired brain, and she gripped her cup of espresso even tighter in her hand. Chidi smiled at her from his spot behind the counter, looking way too alive for the time it was.

 

And to make matters worse, the hot girl was nowhere to be found.

 

Eleanor audibly groaned.

 

Chidi moved to meet her, his wave turning into an extension for a handshake. "Hey- I just realized I never caught your name. Sorry about that, I was just so overwhelmed yesterday. We also never spoke about payment arrangements-" He dropped his hand, wiping it on his jeans.

"Cash. And it's Eleanor Shellstrop." She was mostly grunting, but she could feel the caffeine beginning to turn her into an actual person.

"Okay, uh, great. Well, we can get started as soon as possible! We have this table over here, and I just need to know where your current curriculum is and what you're specifically having trouble with-"

"Yeah, yeah, that's cool- where's your bathroom?" Eleanor cut him off. Actual person Eleanor Shellstrop was still kind of an asshole.

It's a good thing Chidi was already sitting, because he deflated somewhat. This woman did not seem nice. Maybe he should've learned more about her before taking her on as a student. She caught him while he was thinking about a million other things, and he was so passionate about his studies, he didn't even considering saying no.

What if she failed out of her class? And then, being incredibly discouraged, subsequently dropped out of school? And then what if she used drugs to numb the pain of her own foundering? And then, five years from now, she was somewhere on the street, dying from kidney failure??? That would technically be his fault, wouldn't it?? And that would be highly unethical! No, he couldn't take no into consideration.

This is what was going through Chidi's mind as he began to sweat, instead of answering Eleanor's question. By the time he found his voice, it came out in an urgent pitch. "The bathroom's down the hall!"

Eleanor shrugged, before heading that way. She really didn't think that was a question that would make him go completely catatonic. She wasn't 100% sure he was qualified to be teaching _anyone_.

Oh well, his hesitation didn't really matter. Eleanor didn't actually have use the bathroom. She just needed an excuse to go snooping.

She found herself passing some sort of open storage room when she found the subject of her search.

There, in the center of what Eleanor swore was at least a million flowers, was the gorgeous woman from the other day.

She looked even more beautiful up close. Eleanor never felt such urgency to close a deal before. She broke into her most charming smile.

"Hey, Gorgeous."

The woman looked up from her place kneeling on the floor, where she seemed to be trying to arrange the chaos around her. Her eyebrows lowered in confusion. "Hello?" She didn't even seem to see Eleanor.

She placed herself more prominently in the doorway, still flashing a dazzling grin. "I'm looking for the bathroom."

"Oh, it's over that way.” A sudden bout of bashfulness she couldn’t explain came over her, and she tucked her hair behind her ear. “But sorry, we're actually not opened to the public yet."

"It's cool. I'm here to get ethics lessons from Chidi." She stepped farther into the room, at least as much as she could without the risk of trampling flowers. "I'm Eleanor, by the way."

The woman’s face became less guarded. Now she knew the person standing before her wasn’t some deviant customer who snuck in. Although, she did still look like a ragamuffin. Were those holes in her jeans on purpose? "Oh, yes! Chidi told me to expect you visiting! I nearly forgot."

"Yep. Well... Do you have a name or am I going to have to just keep calling you Gorgeous?"

She finally stood, taking off her gardening gloves in order to be polite, though she wasn’t sure she wanted to shake hands. She was surprised by just how much she towered over the other woman."It's Tahani. Tahani Al-Jamil. You see, my last name means beautiful, and my first means congratulations so together it's-"

Eleanor smiled. "Congratulations, beautiful."

"...yes."

It troubled Tahani deeply that she immediately found Eleanor attractive.

( _In a scruffy sort of way_.)

She was bad news. It was practically radiating from her pores, and those dangerous blue eyes.

No, Tahani didn’t like this, didn't like it at all. She especially didn’t like the intensity of Eleanor’s stare, and how it made her think that maybe her scruffiness wasn’t  _totally_ bothersome.

“You were looking for the bathroom?”

“Oh, yeah!” Eleanor started away, only to turn back after a moment. “And maybe after ethics school, you can teach me all about flowers.” She disappeared down the hallway.

Tahani sighed. That was definitely a crass euphemism.

 

Eleanor reluctantly sat at the table across from Chidi. She was finally beginning to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“So, if you could point out to me where you want to focus on in either your notebook or your textbook, we can get started right away!” He said, sounding far too thrilled.

An utterly clueless look came to Eleanor’s features. “I was supposed to bring books?”

 

She was totally right about having to get used to Chidi’s ‘I could throw up at any moment’ face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter & the following ones will have more Eleanor/Tahani interactions. i just had to do the set up and all that you know
> 
> hit that comment button or they won't feed me


	3. Days 14 - 23

~~Day 14~~

 

Tahani didn’t like Eleanor.

 

That much she was sure.

After the few days Eleanor had spent hanging about the shop, Tahani was positive she lived just to be a nuisance. Even when she was trying (and emphasis on _trying_ ) to be helpful, she was all euphemisms and half-baked gestures.

“I’ve been told I’m good with my hands.” Eleanor had said, with a smirk on her lips, when she saw Tahani struggling with an arrangement.

She almost rolled her eyes out of her head.

And though she was Chidi’s protege, Eleanor seemed to be in Tahani’s space just as, if not more, often.

It was bothersome, to say the least.

Especially bothersome when Tahani found her own eyes lingering, resting on Eleanor’s face where she sat opposite Chidi, with her head turned away. She was at her most bearable then. When she was quietly and frustratingly scribbling on a piece of paper, trying to decipher her teacher’s rambles. Or when she was arguing about the validity of whatever philosopher they were discussing that day. Or even when she had her fist rested under her chin, blatantly sleeping.

And then, suddenly, Eleanor would be staring back at her, that permanent smirk on her face, and sometimes she even offered a wink. It made Tahani’s blood boil.

No. She didn’t like Eleanor.

 

* * *

 

~~Day 18~~

 

“Jason! What the fork, man!” Eleanor was slumped in her rolling chair.

Jason glanced up from the skateboarding banana he was currently drawing. “I haven’t done anything!”

Eleanor let out a irritated sigh. “No, it’s not you. I’m just saying like, what the fork at the world!”

He held out his picture. “A banana for your thoughts?”

The shop was filled with the sound of wheels and feet stomping on the wooden floor as Eleanor hurriedly rolled to Jason. She snatched the drawing from his hand. _Not bad_ , she thought, and nodded his way to express this. He responded with a smile and the hang-loose gesture.

“This little dude is rad, but we have serious problems to discuss.”

“I know. His hands are weird, right? I was thinking of doing that glove thing-”

“No, Jason.” She used the hand that wasn’t holding the banana boarder to grip his shoulder. “The serious problem is that I haven’t banged that gorgeous Amazon lady from next door yet.”

His eyes opened so wide they almost fell from his head. “What?”

“I know!” She hung her head in shame. “I can’t believe it either! It’s like none of my moves are working!”

“What?” He seemed to believe this even less than her previous statement. “Your signature moves?”

“Yeah, yeah. My signature moves.”

“Did you tell her she was like, mega hot?”

“Duh.”

“You told her you were good with your hands?”

“Yerp.”

“Did you wear a tank to show off all your tattoos? DID YOU FLEX ON HER??”

“Of course!”

“Did you-”

“Yes, yes, and yes. I did it all, J!”

He fell back into his chair, bafflement plastered all over his face. “Whoa. I can’t believe it.” He stared into space, looking completely distraught, like the world was falling apart before his eyes.

“I know! Me either!” She studied the little banana dude, trying to make herself feel better. Not that it would help, she was already down in the depths of feeling sorry for herself. “I think it’s because she’s like British or whatever. She’s a _lady._ ” She took on a fake, and terrible, English accent for the last word.

“Wait, she’s British?” Jason shot up, getting a new burst of energy. He seized onto the front of Eleanor's hoodie. “Oh shirt, dude! You gotta like, invite her to tea or something!”

“Oh shirt, dude!” She grabbed his shirt the same way and stood up, making them both stand. “You’re a forking genius! British people love tea!”

He let her go to clap his hands together. “Yeah! Your moves work, they just needed to be in a different language!”

Eleanor paused. “...they speak the same language as us in Britain.”

“Yeah, but like, with an accent!”

She nodded, already moving past it. Jason’s strokes of genius were few and far between, and there was just a whole lot of stupid in the middle.

 

* * *

 

~~Day 19~~

 

“Sup benches.” Eleanor proclaimed, trying to be heard over that stupid ding the door made. It added to an already obnoxious entrance, since she basically kicked the door open. In her defense, she was holding two hot cups and didn’t have a free hand.

“Good morning, Eleanor.” Chidi said. He held the door and reached out to her. “Thanks for buying me a coffee! That’s so nice!” He smiled. “Is this the updated version of getting your teacher an apple?”

She shrunk back, bringing the drinks close to herself and lowering her eyebrows. “This isn’t for you, man.”

“Oh!” His voice was doing that thing it did when he was attempting to sound cool and failing miserably at it. The pitch was always all wrong.

“I usually get up at eleven, they’re both for me.” She began to tip both beverages towards her lips, but stopped before any actual liquid spilled out. She laughed at her own joke. “Jk.”

Eleanor walked to the counter, where the object of her affection (Or lust. Whichever.) stood. “Tahani, babe. I got you some tea.” She slid the cup her way, but kept her fingers rested on it, in hopes that when Tahani reached out, they could make contact.

But she didn’t reach out. Instead, she smiled uncomfortably. “While I thoroughly appreciate the sentiment, Eleanor, I don’t drink American tea.”

Of course.

Jason was an idiot. Why did she constantly listen to an idiot?

“Hmm.” She nodded, sipping what was basically all espresso. “So what do you drink?”

“Well, I usually brew my own imported coffee at home. But in a pinch, I’ll order a plain flat white, with just the barest hint of caramel.”

“Hmm.” Eleanor nodded again, already deciding that was too much. She made the choice to not remember it. She turned, making her way back to the table in the corner where she and Chidi normally sat. He was in his chair, still looking torn up over the coffee debacle. She put the cup down in front of him with such a lack of concern, it was almost a slam, enough to make the contents splash out over the lid.

“Well, buddy, I guess this is for you after all.” She mumbled as she steamrolled past, the table not her destination, but the bathroom.

Her moves were gone, and she had to go talk herself out of a mental breakdown in the mirror.

 

* * *

 

~~Day 19~~

 

Tahani would swear on her sister’s grave _[Her sister wasn’t dead. She just wished she was sometimes.]_ that she didn’t have a thing for badboys. Or badgirls, really.

Eleanor was attractive _despite_ her behavior. Not because of it.

She swore.

 

* * *

 

~~Day 20~~

 

“Jason, you’re an idiot!”

Eleanor had waited by the door to tell him this as soon as he walked in. That, and she didn’t really want to be near back-of-house, there was bad energy back there. And by bad energy, she meant Vicky.

He smiled at this statement, which would be surprising to anyone that wasn’t Eleanor. “Totally.” His face turned serious. “But for what this time?” He sat his backpack down at his desk.

“That tea thing didn’t work! She’s ‘too good,’” Eleanor made air quotes. “For American tea. She’s a snob.” She rubbed her forehead. “A hot snob.”

Jason sighed. “If your moves don’t work anymore…” He shrugged. “Maybe you should just talk to her? Like a person?”

This is when Vicky chose to interject.

“Eleanor? Be a person?”

The exaggerated and too loud laugh that followed made Eleanor shudder.

“She only knows how to be a dick!”

Eleanor whipped around, pointing angrily in Vicky’s direction. “Shut the FUCK up, Vicky!”

She put her hands up in defense. “Whoa, whoa! What happened to your ‘no profanity’ rule?”

 

* * *

 

~~Day 23~~

 

Seventeen days.

Almost three weeks.

That was how many days it had been since Eleanor started this long con.

And she was ready to give up.

This had been the most energy she had ever devoted to getting someone in her bed. It definitely wasn’t worth it. She didn’t care about Playdoh or whoever he was and his caves. She didn’t care about Kant. She didn’t care about utility-ism, she didn’t care about any of it! And she was at the point where she couldn’t hide that fact.

Tahani was a goddess, but unless she was willing to bless Eleanor with that bod, it wasn’t worth it.

Or so she thought.

 

Eleanor was over whatever Chidi was talking about this day. She was doodling in her notebook (that was actually a sketchbook) and letting him rant and rave about like usually did. He had the personality of a human turtleneck, and she wondered what he would look like as such. So that’s what she was working on.

Chidi’s back was turned, as he was furiously writing away on the mobile chalkboard, and Eleanor caught Tahani staring at her like usual. She was probably judging her. She was probably thinking about how much of a stupid American Eleanor was.

Tahani’s eyes flickered away hurriedly. As usual.

Since she would be looking back over in five minutes anyway, Eleanor decided she would let Tahani glimpse at her masterpiece.

She held up her _very sophisticated_ drawing of an anthropomorphic sweater wearing glasses, that some would say resembled a certain Ethics enthusiast.

A beautiful thing happened.

Tahani laughed, but it was almost a snort- like it snuck up on her. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand, but her eyes still crinkled.

Eleanor had never seen nor heard a more divine thing. It was stunning, in that she was stunned by it and a foolish, opened-mouth smile crept onto her face.

It was first time she had made Tahani laugh. And now she had to do it again, didn’t think she’d be able to _live_ if she never heard it again.

She put pencil back to paper.

How would Chidi look as that Playdoh dude?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the doctor says if I get 20 comments she'll save my life

**Author's Note:**

> if i ever say im going to write a oneshot, assume im lying


End file.
